I dunno why i began blogging like this...i dont know why I wanted to torture myself by reminding myself of things that were not meant to be...
A friend once told me in a fit that I loved inflicting pain on myself and revelled in being remorseful/bitchy/filled with self-pity...I retaliated vehemently...said he was really mean to have thought something like this abt me after knowing me....KNOWING ME...I now realise that it was me who didnt have even the slightest clue abt myself...
If what he said wasnt true...then what is this blog??? A figment of my imagination....??? NO....all these incidents have been painfully taken out of a time in my life that is now best left forgotten...
Then WHY did I pen all these memories down...? Beats me...maybe I am what he accused me of being...but in the end...I did what I thought was right for me at that minute...
If i had to keep talking to my friends abt what a wonderful time it was with him and how I HORRIBLY TERRIBLY miss it...I dunno if I'd have anyone left by my side who d still be interested in my stuck-up life....but a blog cant talk back...it cant tell me to move on...get a life...it s just doomed to listen to me...give me a space to voice out my silent cries of pain...it cannot get bored/ irritated/ frustrated/ concerned/whatever....
Quite honestly, in another 2 months, it will be 2 years since we broke up...left each other's lives....though I ve tried somehow...sometimes cruelly to get bak into that time...I have FAILED...that magic exists only in the past...only inside my memories...it cant be made to work again....and in accepting that fact lies the beauty of it all - I ve NOW come to realise....
I wouldnt say I ve been in mourning for my relationship that could've been, all the time these past 2 years...new relationships blossomed...only to wither away in the light of my constant comparing of the new ones with my old one....I sort of benchmarked that magical relationship...looked for its manifestation somewhere else, with someone else....and quite obviously now, and very rudely then, it never worked...I could never find another person who would replace him...who would fill that hole in my heart...
Today, at the verge of another one of those new "relationships", Im quite prepared to face the fact that this wont work too...but at least this time, the guy's to blame too, for there has been no reciprocation...or should I say no genuiness in his idea of reciprocating....
But this recent one, paved the way for my understanding that my old relationship was never ever going to materialise again...even if it did, it too wouldnt work at the end, because, now both of us are changed persons...people who ve gone through immense emotional trauma...self-inflicted or otherwise...he is into alcohol and most recently, into drugs....and though i ve not taken to such measures, in my own way Im not that 12th standard kid who he fell in love with...Im no longer as innocent as he wants me to be...Im no longer that girl who will be content in just knowing him and no other guy...we will never gell again...and to forcefully make this relationship come to form once again, is only setting up each other for disaster...and neither of us needs it...
One thing is true, though...if I ever truly truly FELL IN LOVE with someone, it is with him...and in love with him I will always remain...regardless of the number of new ppl I may meet and the imminent marriage situation....
I wish he could read this blog...but again...he wont and he shouldn't as well....
Love is pain...and the funny thing is we cant be smart and avoid it...all of us will have to go thru it...and that s when we realise in love's pain lies its beauty....
